Misguided

random and wanton

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I was speaking to a friend today, who had moved to California, in search of employment after graduating from WSU. After enduring months of fruitless search, working retail and putting up with unsavory living conditions, her OPT ran out. Undaunted, she enrolled in a community college, studying biology to become a nurse-the "happening" career these days. As we spoke, she told me that she didn't think she could take it anymore- the struggle to make a satisfying income , and was contemplating moving to Singapore.What was she searching for? A better life. Our conversation took me down memory lane- I dont know what it was that triggered my memory-immigrant?nurse?woman?struggle?education?standard of living?, but all these words in my mind are associated with one and only one person-my mother.
I remember reading some old letters that my mother sent me from Saudi Arabia, as she prepared me to go to Malaysia. Sitting in the quiet lull of my meditation room, sunlight illuminating the sack of colored paper she wrote on, I shuddered in nostalgia, as a unfolded the dusty papers. She had subscribed to Newsweek magazine and National Geographic, so I and my sisters could realize and learn that there was much more to the world than the little we glimpsed to cable TV in between intermittent electricity,or the chaotic market town of Aba where we lived-the skys, as I remember always dotted with vultures,the streets occasionally,with corpses. She urged me to read them and learn as much as I could about the world. We devoured them. National Geographic took me on journeys so far and amazing,that I would read the same articles over and over again, falling into the pictures , dreaming of strange fauna in the Amazon and idolizing contributing journalists who lived in icy caves high atop the Himalayas meditating with their gurus.
I remember even further back- walking to expatriate Indians homes to study French with their children, who had milk and cookies for tea without offering me any,who bathe in white bread and fresh milk and eventually stopped me from coming over because we lived down the street and they lived up the street,and bread and milk were precious commodities to me.French tutors,Math Tutors, subscriptions to foreign magazines, fighting with my father to pay expensive cable bills so we could watch CNN,International Schools,country hospitals in the UK, military hospitals high up in the mountains of Saudi Arabia,city hospitals in the US-the things my mother did to ensure we had knowledge,our power,our better life.
Most of what I am today is thanks to the efforts of my mother.The common theme through this memory is the immigrant journey. It left its indelible marks on my mother through her parents as my grandfather left his native Sri Lanka to seek a better life and raise eight children in Malaysia as an immigrant.It affected my father as he left his African homeland and journeyed through Europe seeking a better life for himself and his family.It has in turn touched me and shown me life on three continents. Where does it end?When do we stop searching? Can we stop searching, stop looking for the better life?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Midnight Disease

Sitting in front of the screen, fingers poised over the keyboard-wondering....what to write?why write? What is there to express? Just do it...
Am I depressed? What makes me feel so empty? It could be the constant, daily depletion of my sex drive that blunts my desire for her-blunts, but doesn't rust it.Blunts my desire to be alpha-to lead to love, to reach for the stars. My unhealthy financial habits-never saving, always finding something to spend on-anticipation of my trip home rapidly diminishing with my bank account balance. How long will it take me to learn? I wish with all my heart that I could someday commit to a goal,and go for it-slave away, save my pennies and triumph over all odds,rise above the many blockades that litter every path I choose to pursue.
I frustrates me, makes me want to tear my hair out in rage and anguish, makes me want to torture myself, pull my fingernails out with pliers, smash my face into rough concrete walls-it makes me hate myself. The weakness-the pathetic soul unable to discipline itself-pulling itself down into a dreary, familiar hell. I hate this shit so much.
I know what I have to do. I know the path I have to take-the path of sacrifice, hardwork, tears, pain and smiles.Get out of this dark damp room-stop killing yourself-rise above the depression-write,write,write-write yourself back into the light. Early to bed, early to rise-meditate,read motivational books, reflect deeply on my life. Stretch, workout, eat healthy. Go back to work, work hard, never miss a class, study, keep up to date on your assignments and projects.Save money,invest money, read about money,grow.Love,love you parents, call your family and friends regularly-write letters-real letters,maintain your social circle. Stay away from drugs, alcohol,your penis. Go out there, meet women,sharpen you skills,travel,experience life, the people, find her, find you.
There you, go-feel much better don't you?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Mrs Jones Story:

One day, my Pa took my siblings and I to the grocery store. We lived in a very rural area in Georgia back then with a lot of poor black folk. We were going to do our monthly grocery shopping and as we walked into the store I saw a black family- a man, his wife and four kids . They were doing the strangest thing. Usually farmers who sold corn at the market threw the rotten ,pest infested and ruined cobs into the back of their carts. These were usually processed into livestock feed. This family was eating the corn right out of the back of the farmers cart- gobbling up the grains with relish and without a hint of self conciousness. Of course, I didn’t know exactly why they were doing it or the aspect of shame until I tugged at my Pa’s sleeve and asked him “Pa- why those folks eating that raw corn?”
My Pa looked at the family, and his face instantly crumpled, and he looked so so sad. He went to the family, and asked them to come with him into the store. They looked decent enough-as decent as poverty would allow.The children couldn't have been older than us, probably 5 to 9 years old.They stared at our well pressed shorts and dresses,our clean shiny faces, and well oiled plaits and pigtails.They had terrible hair- uncombed, unplaited, and bleached to dirty brown by the sun. My Pa told them they could choose anything they wanted from the store. They looked at him in disbelief- “Anything?”. My Pa didn’t even wait for them to realize what was happening- he began to throw everything within his reach into their basket- cucumber, cabbages, peaches ,okra- he even walked round to the corner butcher and got them a hog leg! He was in a frenzy-doing everything so fast, and I was so confused, because while Pa was doing all this, he was weeping. Streams of tears ran down his face and dripped off his chin into the big basket of groceries he had bought for these strangers.
As we stood outside the store, watching the family trudge away into the distance laden with food, our own shopping not yet done, I tugged at my Pa’s sleeve and asked “Pa? Why did you buy all that food for them folks?”. He stared at the family fading into the distance and said in a choked voice, with tears still flowing down his face “Chile…you don’t know what it is to be hungry”
A Tale of the Brief History of The South and My Life in North Carolina in Particular. Part 1
by MephisLee

"True Way Divine Holiness Church of Christ", the battered read, swaying in the dust of the churchs foundation. Next to the foundation stood a small brick building with a gleaming tan cadillac with shiny rims resting beside it. "Time to make a killing", the sunburnt salesman thought. Two minutes later, he was standing a a cluttered office facing a dark bespectacled old man with a full head of white hair.The man beckoned for him to sit down as he conversed animatedly on the phone,but the salesman could see that his eyes were hard and observant scanning his gaunt sinewy frame and taking in the sun burnt face and arms,sweaty brow, and disheveled jeans,in a prolonged glance. "Nothing external to me can have any power over me", he mumured to himself-the mantra that had pulled him through the most emotionally wrenching moments in his summer steeled him, and he pulled his shoulders back and swivelled the chair away from the piercing gaze towards the cluttered backdrop of files, monitors and legions of post-it notes scattered all over the room, as if some post-it gun weilding corporate assasins had sprayed the room with reminders to "check out the peach coloured brick for front of church" and "Iced tea from McD's after tire change".Various afrocentric paintings could be seen peeking through post-it peppered file cabinets,which were haphazardly placed about the office,creating a mini-labyrinth,that anyone under 5 feet, would probably have a frustrating time navigating through....
Eventually the salesman realized that silence permeated the room- a serene silence punctuated abruptly by the realization that the phone conversation had been over for quite a while. Swivelling round , he faced the old man who smiled through his watery oldman eyes and asked “How can I help you young man”. The salesman launced into his salestalk- eloquent, self assured and confident of the sale. The old mans demeanor changed the instant he heard the salesmans country of origin. He smiled smugly and cut the salestalk off with a raise of his boney hand. Settling back into the plushness of his leather chair he said “Before we go any further young man, I would like to give you a brief history of the South and of my life in North Carolina in particular”. The sunburnt salesman smiled his largest, most accomodating smile which to the old man might have seemed like an encouraging gesture-the poster hardworking young black immigrant grinning at the treat offered to him-the history of the downtrodden blacks of the South, and the narrators life in North Carolina in particular. Unfortunately, it meant none of those things to this particular hardworking young black immigrant.The smile covered up what would have otherwise been a grimace of extreme suffering.A suffering that only those who have to spend almost 6 hours of their day in an excruciatingly cramped squat listening to the droning of brief histories of the South and of my life in North Carolina in particular can fully appretiate and laugh at whilst massaging their suddenly curiously exhausted hamstrings. And so the tale of the watery eyed old man began…

Friday, July 22, 2005

Its surprising how low below the "E" the arrow can drop. Gas costs $2.35 today-not that I care.I'd pump $20 bucks of company cash into my metro without a second thought if I could only find a gas station. The arrow is now resting on the black bolt that screws the meter in place.You know- below the red "Oh my god,I'm out of fucking gas" mark ,the "If I get murdered in the middle of nowhere by some primitive hillbillies,will anyone cry for me?" mark. The geo is doing 85-its maximum speed,well actually 90, because that arrow too is beyond the black bolt.Gwen Stefani is telling me she ain't no*static* holla back girl, I'm almost pissing in my pants at the prospect of hitch hiking in 102 degree weather in the middle of a community with confederate flags flying,and to make matters worse, I havent sold a single book.
The hatchback finally begins to shudder,as though ejaculating,and my body relaxes,as I resign myself to my fate of sunburn,dehydration, and possibly lynching.Its Thursday,and I've sold only $100 worth of books-I'm not even in the vision!Theres a combined meeting at the end of the week! Everyone is going to think I'm some kind of loser salesman that cant make a sale over $100 in a week! There people out there that cant even speak proper English selling $5000 worth of books!I cant even hit my goals for the day! My county is so damn poor and the people hate me! Omigod! Was that a gas station I just drove by 20 seconds ago?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I knock on the door of a pastor. Four quick raps and I wait showing a three quarter profile and half a grin. The door opens and a dark complexioned middle aged African American man steps out. His hair is relaxed,or burnt or whatever with a sideparting-yes a sideparting.His eyes are piercingly blue-they pierce me.Seriously-whats up with African Americans and blue eyes?
This is how the conversation went:

ML: *huge grin* Heloooooooooo! You must be the Rev Street! Its a pleasu...
Rv.Street: "How do you know my name?"
ML: The folks next door-they were kind enough to tell me you were the reverend of the churc...
Rv Street: "I'm not a reverend-I'm a pastor-Reverend is a social term.Befor you come knocking on my door invading my privacy you have to know exactly what you are selling.
ML:*apologetically* "oh, I'm sorry-my English not so good". I meant...
Rv. Street: *shaking his head slightly so as not to disrupt his coiffure* "Listen to me,young man-you are in my house now, MY HOUSE,o.k? So you must listen to me.
ML: "Maybe I came at the wrong...
Rv.Street:"Listen to me-where are you from?"
ML: Malaysia..actually-all over-Nigeria as well.
Rv.Street:" Well, son, this is America-not Nigeria or Malaywherever you come from.Its the wrong season and wrong time for invading privacy.I'm not interested in whatever you have.Not interested".
ML: "It'll take less than 5 minutes-by simply looking at it you'd be helping me gain college credit"
Rv.Street: "Not interested at all-I don't care.Listen-I won't even tell you who I am becau-
Ml: "The folks next door.."
Rv.Street: "where are you standing right now?"
ML:"On your porch?"
Rv.Street:*veins throbbing"YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE! I was in the military for 40 years-intelligence-Germany,the Middle-East, I've been all over the US.I dont give out my name.Do you know, that with that ID you just flashed at me, I can got to my computer back there and destroy you entirely"
ML:*under my breath* "WTF" ..."yeah...its a possibility"
Rv.Street: *warming up* "Possibility? Its a fact,young man.I.can.destroy.you. You see my skin?
ML:"errr...yah."
Rv.Street: "Its black like yours"

At this point in ,I should have left, but I needed some entertainment so I indulged him.

ML: *feigning surprise*: "its is!"
Rv.Street: "dont get sarcastic with me boy! Just because we have the smae skin colour doesn't mean that I'll let you into my house"
ML: "That has nothing to do with.."
Rev.Street:*rolling is blue eyes* "I knowwwwwwwwww...but when you ancestor was being sold on the coast of Johannesburg 400 years ago-did his brother that betrayed him know what he was doing?"
ML: "rev-sorry ..Sir-firstly, my ancestors were West African and South Indian, and had no business on the coast of South Africa.Secondly, my last name isn't Street"
Rev.Street:*totally ignoring the comment* "He was using a name!Using a name, he betrayed his brother to slavery! So when you come invading my privacy, remember you ancestor on the coast of Johannes..."
ML: "My company also has a wonderful Black History set-I'm sure you'd love to take a peek at it."
Rev.Street: "Goodbye"
ML: "Wait,wait! Can you give me soem advice on a better job to try,to pay my tuition?"
Rev.Street: "Have you heard of McDonalds? Hundreds of students work hard at jobs that dont invade peoples privacy to pay their fees"


See what I have to deal with?

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The South is hot.I see mirages of trailers carrying logs to paper mills in the midday heat. I see tortoises roasting in their shells on the sticky tar road. I see white folk with peeling red skin.I see black folk so black, they look purple. I ran over a racoon.
I had to drive fours hours to find a settlement with internet access.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Last thing I remember was the Shaolin shoe salesman and I flying towards a ledge on the brick skyscraper a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.They were still after us, and shaolin shoe salesman, in a panic executed with his spear what was to become the biggest mistake of out 2 hour adventure.Chanting some buddhist mantras, he performed a series of amazingly well cheoreographed of Kung Fu forms-pretty amazing for a monk balancing on the edge of a brick skyscraper,then slashed off my penis.
He didn't decapitate it or slash it in random areas.This monk cut my penis clean off with his 7 foot kung fu spear.The ones with the red ribbon at the base of the blade.The whole world paused, and our enemies at the bottom of the brick skyscraper registered my organ loss by zooming in with their high powered eys, and highlighting the kung fu spear with a red highlighter outine, traced the red line to my now penisless balls and drew a circle,as if to say-"target destroyed".
Meanwhile, up on the ledge, the shaolin shoe salesman bowed before me, and disappeared in a flash of smoke.He tried to look all sage-like but I could read the "oh fuckkkkkk!!" in his eyes,the bastard.I must have been in shock, because my "stump" wasn't bleeding.One leg on the ledge ,one leg balancing me in space, I examined the desecration of my most prized organ.The cut was so smooth, it looked as if a laser had done the job;it wasnt even bleeding. "Good workmanship at least" I muttered. Only a hole remained where I suspect my urethra ended.Speaking of ended, what happened to the other end!
There it was, forlorn and shrunken on the rough tar of the enemy infested road.Seeing my penis lying there all shrunken and surrounded by curious enemies was the key I had been searching for-my mind snapped .I could literally hear the slight crunch and the resulting reveberation throughout my skull.A monkey's scream escaped my lips,as I began to grunt and snort,working myself into a primal rage. Next thing I knew, I was standing outside a freezer watching two pieces of my penis-the head and a length of tube sitting in an ice filled Tupperware. For some strange reason the pieces had lost their melanin and were raw beef pink.The piece next to the head was split open like a gutted fish and to reveal a cloudy white tube shaped membrane-urethra.To think I had been about to throw that away, like I would fat on a piece of beef.
I told my cousin "Hey cousin, the Shaolin shoe salesman cut my fucking penis off! What should I do?" She looked at me from where she lounged on the backrest of the moth-eaten sofa and said "I guess you'll have to walk around with a dildo strapped on now,eh?".Images of me walking down the street with a huge black dildo,erect and leading the way nearly induced another mind snapping scenario.I would have to ask Dad.What if he refuses? Its not beyond him to say "Sorry son, such surgery is extremely expensive,we cant afford it- wear the dildo for a few more years, do well in college, get that degree,get a decent job then come back and pick up your two pieces of severed penis-I'll keep the freezer on,dont worry." Dismissing asking Dad, I rummaged frantically through old magazines trying to find the article of the broke guy whose girlfriend cuts of his penis and threw in a ditch, or maybe flushed it down the toilet.Apparently, the city unearthed the sewers just to recover the blokes member.The lengths we will go for a mans penis-my heart heaved with pride.
An hour later, and I still haven't found the damn article,but I did find one saying that a severed penis can only last so long in the freezer.I had two pieces of severed penis-what of it one went bad?Whatever, as long as it wasnt the head.I could chop the head off the black dildo and make up the length.My stump brushing against my conspiciously empty boxers is a constant reminder of my precarious sitiation,and I run back to the freezer for the seventh time to check on my pieces of frozen penis.There they were...ahhhh...but wait! what are those dark patches on one? What are those white flecks-better be ice.Oh my God,its not ice!!Shit. And what the fuck is this? My penis looks like Eckridge Smoked Sausage(since 1894), with the "75 cents off next purchase!" value. Oh god, please let the surgeon be able to sew this back up,please, I dont want to go back to college with a dildo,please,please,dont let my pieces of severd penis go bad,god please!!!! AAAeeeeeeeaargh!!!
I wake up gripping my penis so hard, my balls get a headrush.Its monday morning, and my penis is intact.God, I need to pee...