Last thing I remember was the Shaolin shoe salesman and I flying towards a ledge on the brick skyscraper a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.They were still after us, and shaolin shoe salesman, in a panic executed with his spear what was to become the biggest mistake of out 2 hour adventure.Chanting some buddhist mantras, he performed a series of amazingly well cheoreographed of Kung Fu forms-pretty amazing for a monk balancing on the edge of a brick skyscraper,then slashed off my penis.
He didn't decapitate it or slash it in random areas.This monk cut my penis clean off with his 7 foot kung fu spear.The ones with the red ribbon at the base of the blade.The whole world paused, and our enemies at the bottom of the brick skyscraper registered my organ loss by zooming in with their high powered eys, and highlighting the kung fu spear with a red highlighter outine, traced the red line to my now penisless balls and drew a circle,as if to say-"target destroyed".
Meanwhile, up on the ledge, the shaolin shoe salesman bowed before me, and disappeared in a flash of smoke.He tried to look all sage-like but I could read the "oh fuckkkkkk!!" in his eyes,the bastard.I must have been in shock, because my "stump" wasn't bleeding.One leg on the ledge ,one leg balancing me in space, I examined the desecration of my most prized organ.The cut was so smooth, it looked as if a laser had done the job;it wasnt even bleeding. "Good workmanship at least" I muttered. Only a hole remained where I suspect my urethra ended.Speaking of ended, what happened to the other end!
There it was, forlorn and shrunken on the rough tar of the enemy infested road.Seeing my penis lying there all shrunken and surrounded by curious enemies was the key I had been searching for-my mind snapped .I could literally hear the slight crunch and the resulting reveberation throughout my skull.A monkey's scream escaped my lips,as I began to grunt and snort,working myself into a primal rage. Next thing I knew, I was standing outside a freezer watching two pieces of my penis-the head and a length of tube sitting in an ice filled Tupperware. For some strange reason the pieces had lost their melanin and were raw beef pink.The piece next to the head was split open like a gutted fish and to reveal a cloudy white tube shaped membrane-urethra.To think I had been about to throw that away, like I would fat on a piece of beef.
I told my cousin "Hey cousin, the Shaolin shoe salesman cut my fucking penis off! What should I do?" She looked at me from where she lounged on the backrest of the moth-eaten sofa and said "I guess you'll have to walk around with a dildo strapped on now,eh?".Images of me walking down the street with a huge black dildo,erect and leading the way nearly induced another mind snapping scenario.I would have to ask Dad.What if he refuses? Its not beyond him to say "Sorry son, such surgery is extremely expensive,we cant afford it- wear the dildo for a few more years, do well in college, get that degree,get a decent job then come back and pick up your two pieces of severed penis-I'll keep the freezer on,dont worry." Dismissing asking Dad, I rummaged frantically through old magazines trying to find the article of the broke guy whose girlfriend cuts of his penis and threw in a ditch, or maybe flushed it down the toilet.Apparently, the city unearthed the sewers just to recover the blokes member.The lengths we will go for a mans penis-my heart heaved with pride.
An hour later, and I still haven't found the damn article,but I did find one saying that a severed penis can only last so long in the freezer.I had two pieces of severed penis-what of it one went bad?Whatever, as long as it wasnt the head.I could chop the head off the black dildo and make up the length.My stump brushing against my conspiciously empty boxers is a constant reminder of my precarious sitiation,and I run back to the freezer for the seventh time to check on my pieces of frozen penis.There they were...ahhhh...but wait! what are those dark patches on one? What are those white flecks-better be ice.Oh my God,its not ice!!Shit. And what the fuck is this? My penis looks like Eckridge Smoked Sausage(since 1894), with the "75 cents off next purchase!" value. Oh god, please let the surgeon be able to sew this back up,please, I dont want to go back to college with a dildo,please,please,dont let my pieces of severd penis go bad,god please!!!! AAAeeeeeeeaargh!!!
I wake up gripping my penis so hard, my balls get a headrush.Its monday morning, and my penis is intact.God, I need to pee...