On Racism in Malaysia:
By MephisLee

Again and again, minorities are draw into the perplexing, disturbing and ultimately depressing problem of racism and stereotyping within various strata of society and even existence.Racism is a complex procedure, and rascists need to be able to classify their shit.Just like the Aryans that came into India classified and institutionalized their rascism, so did the Germans and the dumbasses that imperialized Rwanda.The former calling Japanese "Aryans of East Asia", causing them to bomb the shit out of Pearl Harbour, the latter calling the Tutsis "Black Caucasians", causing a few million of them to be decimated in one of the quickest genocides in history.Pol Pot's soldiers, had nothing on ethnic cleansing compared to the shit that went down in Rwanda. So as a person who has been classified black, by society ,(a.k.a- you're fucked) and who’s been for a long time, equally wary of openly attesting a clear racial stand for fear of realizing the abject negativity that comes hand in hand with such classification, I'll attempt once again to laboriously probe the issue.

Today, an African American acquaintance of mine, was taking a drive with me through KL, and we happened, to not so accidentally broach the topic of race and living as a person of African descent in Malaysia, or as most people would say "Being Black in Malaysia". He said, and I quote "In all the ten years I've lived in Malaysia, I've only had two women smile at me in the streets". That, I think is absolutely sad. I'm well aware of the racism that is prevalent in Asia, but what really gets to me is when I become, for the millionth time reacquainted with the scope of the problem. Ten years. So I thought back, and began to search for instances to rectify, and possibly make my acquaintance see that there must be some other problem other than race. Maybe, he just never tried to smile at anyone? But who was I kidding? The moment it came out of his mouth, I knew exactly what he was talking about, and true enough, no amount of brain wracking would induce an in image of me, tall, black, pierced, and afroed smiling at a random Malaysian girl on the street and having her smile back. I would imagine it, but then it seemed so unnatural, that I would once more curse the negative effects cultural and popular stereotypes had wrecked on me.Just like wanking to the image of a shop font mannequin,it just doesn't work. But more on that later.
He went on to say, that he was once in an "all Indian Club" and tried to dance with a few women. They turned him down.Yes.Thats my point. Nawwww, I'm just messing with ya. Actually, they sort of shrank away from him, as if he was some sort of plague.Not just any kind of shrinking away. The sort of shrinking away, that instinctively tells you, that this human being has some deep grudge, albeit unfounded, against you.Kinda like, a Nazi-Jew vibe. His response was "What? You can't hang with this? (indicate skin), c'mon girl, you’re darker than I am!" As you already concluded from the beginning of my paragraph, he didn't get a dance from an Indian chick that night. I then swapped a few of my own stories, which, I must say aren't very many, apart from people leaving the whole row next to me in the LRT empty. Were the seats stained? No.Did I stink? Definitely not. Did I look like someone who might cause them bodily harm?Probably,judging from the amount of crap on TV today, I'd probably get up and rob the first person that sat next to me at gunpoint. Trust me, everyday somewhere in Malaysia, there’s a black man criminally assaulting an innocent Malaysian in a public transport facility. That, I suppose is the number one reason why Malaysians don't sit next to the black people that pack weapons in LRT'S. Or maybe, they're afraid of being associated with me.Thats highly probable too, since there are a number of people that would give dirty looks to people who sit next to me. Infact, being in a jocular mood, I've decided to classify Malaysians and their approach to people of different race, under a few categories.

a) Dirty Stare Malaysian (Fuckface): This type of Malaysian is usually found in public transport systems, basically staring at visibly foreign people throughout his/her journey's duration, usually with a scowl on his face. When I say "Dirty Stare", I don't mean perverted or sexual, like proper people, or Christina Aguilera do. I mean dirty as in "what the hell is this leper, with rotting, drippy organs, sitting 15 seats away from me minding his own business doing in a train?" kind of stare. An outlook motivated by such a look, naturally leads Fuckface to more disturbing questions that require him/her to justify the presence of the "dirty stare" recipient. Such questions border on philosophical, a word, that Fuckfaces are seldom able to spell, leaving them floundering in their own mental feceal matter. You can easily spot a Fuckface. If you feel you're not conspicuous enough, wear an afro wig or color your skin a dark shade, or if you want to spot other interesting characters related to the Fuckface, wear original brand clothing. The counter to the "Dirty Stare”, should you be caught in its beams before Fuckface has reached the "I'm tripping in my own shit" stage, is a highly devious facial expression called “The Smile”. This is usually enough to send Dirty Stare Malaysian back to "I'm tripping in my own shit" stage, their natural mental habitat.



b) How Come You Relate So Well with Malaysian, Malaysian: This type of Malaysian is best observed in crowded public places, such as malls, on Saturdays, or on Public Holidays. They exhibit, their particular trait, on escalators and various other motionary objects that take them away from their object of criticism. Basically, when they catch sight of a Malaysian and a non-Malaysian, or even a non-looking Malaysia, Malaysian, they stare and wonder among themselves, how is it possible, that a Malaysian can be so open and friendly with someone, so-so...different. This usually leads to playing a very fun conversational game, which involves theorizing about the subject under scrutiny, whilst walking past and ignoring a dozen White/Chinese interracial couples, without batting an eyelid. Of course, it’s less disturbing to see a fat old white guy on a Malaysia, My Second Home Program, with his hand cupping your sister’s ass, than it is to see a young Arab or Black guy of your age laughing and having a genuine good time with a Malaysian, who’s a total stranger to you. Genuine good time, does not include playing fun conversational games (aka, not minding your own damn business), that defy your IQ.

Between those two, its really difficult to predict which might prove a greater risk in the future-increased racial harmony, or increase in the number of young Malaysian girls going out with Old White men who have no jobs and think they can get some poon, just because they're White and have a shitload of cash to retire on.Hey!! One of these dudes might actually get your kid sister pregnant, and we'll have another "cute"gweilo child to grow up, and maybe if she's hot (who am I kidding? They're always hot aren't they????) get to play lead roles on Malaysian TV, get the coveted MTV and Channel V VJ slots, leaving other "not exotic enough" (a.k.a not White enough) Malaysians to give up on show business, and go lepak in the mall playing "fun conversational games" while always wondering at the back of their minds how to afford the rhinoplasty that'll make them look like one of those clones that host Channel V.Coming up with balls to go in for rhinoplasty on such grounds requires the backing up of higher caliber stupidity, usually only available in the next Malaysian on the list:


c) Unbelievably Ignorant Yet Educated Malaysian(not to be confused with The Average Malaysian!): Found in cybercafes,danceclubs,malls,LRT stations,colleges,Penang,Seremban, and Malaysia in general, Unbelievably Ignorant Yet Educated Malaysian, is literate, and usually had a degree from a foreign university, in either Europe, North America, or Australia. Despite exposure to different cultures and races, for a number of years Unbelievably Ignorant Yet Educated Malaysian has the confounding ability to ask the stupidest and most dumb questions, such as the "Is Africa a country?" question. Equally embarrassing (mostly to acquaintances) is their ability to transcend, as they grow older towards an almost Jessica Simpson level of stupidity. They must be given credit, however for being able to dress quite stylishly and can exhibit a wide variety of foreign accents when they feel the need to impress, which is anytime they're not asking questions of the "Is the brand tuna called "Chicken of the Sea" really chicken?" type. They also have a very critical view of their fellow Malaysians. What they fail to realize however is that their criticisms are a result of Western Education, which forced them to take a critical perspective of things. This lack of acknowledgement for their critical nature defeats everything they've learnt in 4 years at Indiana State University, making them possibly the largest demographic from one country to defy Western Education. Unbelievably Ignorant Yet Educated Malaysian does justice to the saying "Knowledge is Power" .Power to be an critical, stylish, Australian accented, smallminded, lacking-general-knowledge, unable to open a book after college, piece of crap.

Although these classifications may be slightly exaggerated, and in some cases, bordering on mediocre, they are not totally unfounded. The truth, is that despite all the farting done on the subject of Race relations in Malaysia, there is a very fine line drawn somewhere, and Malaysians are not shy of openly practicing color discrimination.

Just like the other day I went to pay up at my favorite cyber café in Subang Jaya, when I come across a list of policies taped at the payment counter. One of the clauses read: “Do not allow Indians or Malays in after midnight”. I swear. And one of those new shops in 1 Utama , that had a notice pasted outside “ Vacancy Available: Chinese Only wanted” Every time I see one of those, it feels like a slap in my face. Speaking of One Utama , I go with a couple of friends to the new British India shop, to check if they’ve come to their senses and decided that colonial fashion imposed by British imperialists on South Asians is no longer hip. What do I find there? Not only have they started selling furniture, they are still stocking the shit my Grandfather used to wear while prospecting in Sri Lanka, in the early 30’s. They also had a whole troop of monkeys working there wearing their “ethnic inspired” rags and criticizing every single foreigner that walked in loudly. In Malay. You won’t believe some of the shit that came out from their mouths. How can they assume that everyone doesn’t speak or understand their language? I was on the verge of picking up one of the annoying portraits of a Raja and a sprinkling of British colonialist feigning mutual understanding, and seriously whooping some ass. The wood used to frame the portrait was made from teak in India, and everyone knows that Indian teak is the shit.

I got reacquainted with Malaysian racism the other day, while looking for accommodation. Most of the houses had signs on them saying “Chinese Female Wanted Only”. Fine. That shit is so common, it goes virtually unnoticed here. So we drive around calling up the places that didn’t have the “CFWO” sign. This one vacant house sounds really promising, and the lady that owns it is really keen on discussing pricing and everything on the phone. Till I show up at her doorstep to actually see the house. She comes right up to the gate and says “Sorry ah! Chinese oni,wor!” This pisses me off to no end, and I totally lose it. I’m like :”Next time put the fucking CFWO sign up bitch, and don’t get my fucking hopes up,o.k?” She tries to put on a strict face, but fuck me, how obstinate can you get when confronted by your racism? Actually, for a great majority of dumbasses prevalent in the Malaysian peninsula ,the answer is quite. So we call up this other dude and the convo goes something like this:

Bordering On Revealing His Racism Dude: Where you from ah?
Me: Malaysia
BORHRD: “Malaysian citizen,ar?”
Me: "Nope. I’m half Malaysian."*shudder*
BORHRD: "What race is your mix" (that exactly how he said it)
Me: *silence*….WTF??
BORHRD: I mean, ar , like-are you a Chinese mix, like half Indian half Chinese? Or *doomsday voice* half chinese half Malay?
Me: Something like that-I’ve got abit of everything,really.
BORHRD: I really need to know, lor.
Me: Shit,man…
At this point , I got really flustered, and totally lost the critical profanity-to-mouth function of my brain,totally. So I told him politely, that I didn’t think I’d fit the racial purity requirements he demanded for all his tenants, and hung up.

No, I’m not a homeless bum, but I nearly was. Luckily, out of a million bad seeds, theres always a good one, and when your really pissed off, tired, frustrated with the world in general and Malaysia in particular, the odds tend to disappear, and a landlord who only gives a fuck about money, lets you stay in his place. But he has to charge you RM50 more than the other tenants for unknown reasons.

Anyway, after relating all this to this AA dude, we came to the mutual conclusion that Malaysian food really rocks.This conclusion made me so hungry, I had give him an excuse to drop me off at the nearest mamak.

Yeah, Malaysia Boleh!!